Still unsure about who you should support at Euro 2020? Danny McGinlay’s guide might steer you in the right direction.
On Saturday morning, the UEFA European Championship kicks off. To many football fans, it’s the second biggest football tournament on Earth (said football fans tend to be massive Euro snobs whose arrogance knows no bounds. I feel comfortable slagging off those sorts of fans here because this is an Australian website and they would never lower themselves to reading this sort of drivel).
For those who aren’t soccer fans, it’s like the World Cup but only European countries can compete. Sadly, it’s not like Eurovision and Australia can’t just join in.
Fifty-five countries have been whittled down to 24 finalists and for an entire month we are treated to early-morning international football! Who should you go for? Well normally a lot of white Australians just support their country of ethnic origin but that won’t work for a lot of us as Greece, Serbia and Ireland have all failed to qualify.
So how to choose? Well if you’re a footy fan, maybe your club could help you decide who to get behind:
Melbourne – Hungary: Used to be an absolute footballing powerhouse, but have spent the last few decades in the doldrums. A return to the top flight has fans beginning to believe that glory might one day return!
Richmond – France: After years of surrendering at the drop of a hat, they now sit on top of the world, with seemingly invincible players and irritatingly smug fans.
Port Adelaide – Ukraine: Ever since gaining independence in the 90s, they’ve fought hard but since 2004 haven’t really had much to smile about.
Sydney – Portugal: When you have the most recognizable face in the game on your side, you’d think you’d have won more than one piece of silverware in the past decade.
Hawthorn – Spain: A few years back there was absolute dominance. Now not so much, but unlike Hawthorn the Spaniards have a chance of silverware.
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Essendon – Italy: so much silverware, and a history of doing ‘whatever it takes’ to win it.
Brisbane – Wales: Sure they like rugby more but when we’re winning at this other style of football we’ll jump on the bandwagon!
Geelong – Belgium: Despite being a beautiful historical place, it’s most often seen by tourists from a vehicle as they travel through it to somewhere livelier. Plus they have the oldest squad in the competition. Destiny.
Collingwood – Russia: The most fans in the competition, despised by all of its neighbours. The only real difference is Putin would never have stood down over a ‘Do Better’ report.
Carlton – Denmark: Historians teach us that many years ago they were feared warriors who pillaged their surroundings but these days they’re quite tame and never cause too big a fuss.
North Melbourne – Germany: Kangas fans need some joy in their lives so they might as well jump on a favourite.
West Coast – Netherlands: Always a strong side with great players, and also very keen to not always be associated with recreational drug use.
St Kilda – England: The one time they won a trophy was in 1966, plus a lot of English people live there.
Adelaide – Finland: According to what I’ve seen on SBS, Finland has a lot of sadistic torture and serial killers so they could probably run a pre-season camp fit for the Crows.
Fremantle – Scotland: Never as successful as its next-door neighbour, but much more well liked (can have an anger management problem at times).
Gold Coast – North Macedonia: Their flag is pretty much your flag.
GWS – Croatia: The Croats have never in their history come last in Eurovision, have never scored nil points. They understand good music. If they covered ‘Big Big Sound’ they would finally win it all. But quite like GWS they are still trophyless for now.
Western Bulldogs – Sweden: Universally regarded as having the most attractive fans.
