Måneskin’s winning performance at the 2021 Eurovision Song Contest. Photo: EBU

Ah, Eurovision. Another year done and dusted. And finally, a result that doesn’t make me want to perform a lobotomy without anaesthetic on myself. Very satisfying indeed.

That may sound very dramatic. But Eurovision’s the one time of year where it’s OK to be endlessly melodramatic and weirdly patriotic. Even if at no other time of the year you are either of those things.

I cannot emphasise enough how much I’d been looking forward to this. I’ve been watching Eurovision every year since I was eight. And not to up the dramatics, but not having it on last year was like having a massive hole in my life. I felt like I was missing out on something.

I mean, we all were in lockdown. But no endless camp? No European dramatics? No near war-starting bloc voting? It was a weird Eurovision-less year. Even if we got one of the greatest movies of all time “Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga”.

But it’s finally back. I’ve got to admit, when the first semi-final happened on Wednesday at 5am a part of me couldn’t quite grasp that it was real, whether it was the fact that I was up at 5am on a work day or the fact that the break between Eurovision live shows had been so long. It took me a number of songs to process that it was, in fact, live and back in business.

Which brings me to the biggest crime of Eurovision 2021 – Montaigne’s inability to travel to Rotterdam to compete and her resulting non-qualification for the grand final.

I’m not going to pretend I know exactly why Montaigne and SBS weren’t allowed to go. Or to quote their statement: “After a comprehensive assessment, SBS has decided not to send an Australian delegation and artist to Rotterdam for the Eurovision Song Contest this year. We came to this difficult decision after considering the challenges of the ongoing pandemic, including the many factors involved in travelling to and from the event from Australia.”

Which just so happened to be timed alongside the Indian travel ban being challenged in the courts along with public outcry from prominent Australians who had been allowed to leave, but not come back, as well as public reaction to both those things.

Montaigne killed it. Her performance was excellent. However, being a live-to-tape performance from March without any of the advantages of being at the Ahoy Arena in Rotterdam, without an audience, and in the stronger semi-final, she didn’t qualify.

Montaigne performs live on tape for Eurovision 2021. Photo: SBS

The odds were stacked against her, and it’s a shame, because Montaigne absolutely slaps live. I am quite confident had she been allowed to travel we would have at least been in the grand final.

Would we have won? No. We’re never going to win, we just have to accept that. But she absolutely would have been in the grand final AND scored more points than the UK. Guaranteed.

That disappointment aside, it’s been a great year for kitsch at Eurovision. Ukraine gave us some Eastern European-sounding chanting, which I’m sure has a traditional name, but which was kind of balls-to-the-wall great. Russia gave us a GIANT Russian dress and empowerment anthem, which is miles away from every other entry they’ve sent since Buranovskiye Babushki in 2012.

The Roop came back with another hand dance after their 2020 one went viral on TikTok before the competition was scrapped. Very “Bananas in Pyjamas” chic. I was into it. Not to mention the re-emergence of Flo Rida in jorts for San Marino. Can’t get much more kitsch than that, can you?

Iceland, which couldn’t perform live due to a positive COVID-19 test within the band, were lucky enough to be able to have both rehearsals in Rotterdam before isolating and were able to have those played during both Semi-Final 2 and the Grand Final, avoiding another Montaigne situation.

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So, fortunately for us, we were lucky enough to witness the emergence of a joint circular piano. Keytair? I’m not sure what we’re calling it, but it was amazing. We should be so blessed every year.

The grand final was a step up from the semi-finals, as it should be, in terms of both artist participation and insufferable bits interspersed to keep the voting public entertained during counting.
The first semi had us endure a song and dance about water which really just reminded me of Derek Zoolander’s merman commercial. The second semi seemed to be some sort of dance about a BMX bike rider and a ballet dancer. Which, on reflection, I still don’t quite understand.

But at least the final had a flag parade to “Venus” by Shocking Blue which I wasn’t aware was a real song (by a Dutch band and not Bananarama) and not just used to sell overpriced razors to women.

I’m not going to lie; there’s probably only five songs I was into out of the 25, if that. Hence, all 20 of my votes going to Italy in the end. But there were some notable bangers. Most notably, Finland coming in with a song to which I’m not going to pretend I really remember the lyrics, but which made an interesting juxtaposition to the one before it.

France being a favourite was news to me considering it was like every other French entry that’s ever come before it in the history of Eurovision. Except for that one year they sent a moustache song.

But all was well in the end when Italy pounded them in the popular vote. And rightly so. Oh, look at me, taking sides in an international event. Maybe, seeing as I voted for Italy 20 times, they can make it easier for me to claim my citizenship? Please.

I look forward to the as-yet undecided host city, which will probably end up being Verona, of Eurovision 2022 bringing back Mahmood to sing Soldi, after he should have won in 2019.