(Main): It’s happy times for Richmond fans these days. (Inset): But not so the disgruntled followers of some other AFL clubs.
March is a time of optimism! Hot cross buns are being baked, comedy festivals are approaching (hint) and most importantly, no AFL team has officially lost a match yet.
At this point, we are all equal in the race for the premiership. There’s a voice in all of our heads that whispers that this year could be the year.
However, there is another voice in your head who completely disagrees with that optimistic dickhead. The brutal realist who has endured season after season of bitter disappointment and wants you to steel yourself for the inevitable pain of season 2021. The voice of exasperation.
Here’s what that voice is saying about every club…
ADELAIDE – Rather than trying to deal with the absolute desert of despair and pain that lies ahead of us, would it be a better use of money and resources to try and build a fucking portal to another universe to get us out of this hell-dimension that we somehow entered at quarter-time on grand final day 2017? To see the greatest list this century become wooden spooners, plus bushfires, a pandemic and Port being good; we have to escape!
BRISBANE – We have a great coach, a brilliant list, and now we have a Joe Daniher, who we are assured is a great footballer, but that might just be by Essendon standards. So hopefully, with all those pieces coming together, we could maybe finally take the next step and get to the grand final, although a good new tactic could be to not lose to fucking Geelong every time.
CARLTON – Da da da da da! Here comes the “Teague Train”! I can smell what the Blues are cooking, and it is good! Yes, my friends, the league should be very afraid of us, this is the year we’re gonna challenge for finals and maybe even win one. That semi-final week is looking very doable! Yes, sir … oh God, is this what we’ve become? Daring to dream about a semi-final berth? What happened to us? I mean, I know what happened to us, but… oh God. No. Be positive! If we can start the year by staying within five goals of the Tigers that’ll be a start … oh God!
COLLINGWOOD – At what point do we call this what it is? An abusive relationship. It’s very hard to love this bloody club right now. Off field especially, from the trade week debacle, to the alleged rift between players and coaches, to our club being found to be systemically racist somehow being celebrated as a proud and historic day! On field, though, I still reckon we can give it a nudge.
ESSENDON – I no longer have the ability to feel any emotion other than numb disappointment. My football experience was once vibrant and passionate, but now it is blurred, illegible, like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy. I look at happy football fans the way a dog watches TV; I see movement and emotion, but I cannot comprehend it. When James Hird came into coach a decade ago, he stated that the club had hit rock bottom. Now I gaze up at a tiny, star-like point of light high above us where that rock bottom once was. But it could be worse, we could be Collingwood.
FREMANTLE – Although the loss to the Lions was a shock, I’m still thinking we can go all the way this year! Kiara Bowers is absolutely unstoppable, and provided Mark McGowan doesn’t close the borders again, we should be on track for a home grand final … pardon? Oh, the men’s league? I don’t really follow men’s football. It’s too mainstream for me.
GEELONG – This time for sure! Right? Our premiership window was supposed to shut in 2014, but since then Chris Scott has somehow jammed it open with experienced recruits and now we have Jeremy Cameron and Shaun Higgins, so this time we’re actually going all the way right? Right? And I mean all the way, not just get to the grand final and then stop playing at half time, right? Right?
GOLD COAST – For my club’s entire life I have been told repeatedly by all the other club’s fans that my team’s not real, we’re a plastic expansion club propped up by the league and I’ve had everything handed to me. Well, at what point do I reap any fucking benefits from that? Maybe make the finals? Yeah? Maybe hold on to one of our good players? Yeah? I’ve endured over a decade of footy agony, so if that doesn’t make me a real footy fan, then I don’t know what does. And if any of you other club’s recruiters come within a 100-kilometre radius of Matt Rowell I will fight you harder than a Richmond player outside Hollywood Showgirls.
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GWS – 2020 was just a blip. We’re still good, yeah? We made the grand final 18 months ago, so we’re still one of the best teams, right? It was just the weirdness of the hubs and the pandemic, obviously. We’re still gonna get our period of dominance, Gil always promised we would. Jesse Hogan is as good as Jeremy Cameron? Isn’t he? Gil? GIL?!
HAWTHORN – Clarko, you are God, you’re more than a God, you’re some sort of coaching mega-God and we are not worthy to even lick your shoes. But how about drafting a player under the age of fricken’ 28? I know the youth of today are so entitled with their Tik-Toks and Fortnites, but you know who else is entitled? US! We’re Hawthorn fans, in the past 50 years we have won a premiership roughly every four years, a lot of this is due to you! So please try to engage some kids and rebuild us back into another juggernaut! My four-year- old son hasn’t even seen us win a final!
MELBOURNE – There’s an old Chinese proverb: “If you need Freo to win their last match for your team to make finals, you’re probably fucked”. We have a good team, I saw that team win two finals in 2018, then we all thought 2019 was just a blip, but it wasn’t … unless you can have a two- year blip? Can you have a two- year blip? Jeez I hate football.
NORTH MELBOURNE – So we came second last, we cleared out half the squad, we lost our coach. We’re truly a clean slate. A few years back we offered ‘Dusty’ Martin a truckload of cash to come play for us and he turned us down … I do have a quick question for the board – “Where is that money now!” If you’re saving it for a rainy day then look outside. because it looks like it’s time to build an ark!! Please do something! Anything!
PORT ADELAIDE – It’s been six months since the worst umpiring in the history of organised sport cost us a spot in the grand final. Thankfully, us Port fans are stoic types. We know we’ve got the best list in the comp, we know Kenny will bring us glory. And if they don’t, at least we can sit back and laugh at the Crows.
RICHMOND – Shaq and Kobe hated each other and still dominated. So it doesn’t matter that our coach and captain have had a spat. Nevertheless, why do I have this foreboding sense of dread? Oh yeah, cause I’m a Richmond supporter, and literally everything in my life pre-2017 taught me to prepare for the worst. But I can’t go back! I’ve tasted the sweet success three times now, and we’re better than those Hawks and Lions dynasties, we need to win a fourth! I’ve gone through too much pain not to!
ST KILDA – If this is another bloody false dawn just tell me now! I can’t take any more hope. If Ratten is going to build up another team of players who will fight and fight only for an admirable loss in a grand final, just let me know in advance so I can spare myself another 10 years of therapy. I want to believe in this group, but I’ve been hurt so much. Can this really be it?
SYDNEY – Well, this is embarrassing. I don’t know if other teams have noticed, but it’s statistically possible to miss the finals two years in a row! I don’t know how often that’s happened in history! I got told by an old fan this might have happened to us once before in the early ‘90s. Anyway, by the law of averages, we’ve now had our turn at missing finals and I assume have rebuilt back into a powerhouse. We’ve still got Buddy, hey? He must be fighting fit by now!
WEST COAST – OK boys, stop messing around. Let’s have a nice, easy dominant season. I don’t want any surprise losses to Gold Coast, I don’t want any finals chokes – you know I’m still mad about that first quarter in the 2018 grand final, but obviously you made amends. But now stop with the pretending to be shit and just thump all the teams like you should, right? I don’t know if you’ve realised, but that window is closing soon, and one flag per window isn’t really enough for us.
WESTERN BULLDOGS – All right, now can we actually try and win the flag again please? Five years ago we reached the top of Mount Everest with a young list who looked like they would all take a bullet for each other. You couldn’t get a rosier looking future! Since then, we’ve seen an entire squad rebuild, a new president, vice-president, CEO and we’re on to our third captain! How has it come to this? In ‘Bevo’ we trust, but at some point we’ve surely got to have another crack! We picked up Adam Treloar like he was an abandoned couch on the side of the road and somehow got Stefan Martin in the ruck. Surely this is the year we go again, right? Or do we need to blood another group of Little League kids?
*Tickets to Danny McGinlay’s Comedy Festival show are available HERE and his weekly footy podcast can be heard HERE.
