Carlton’s season is a lot like a scene from The Empire Strikes Back, according to Danny McGinlay. Image: 20TH CENTURY FOX
Adelaide – Captain America. Transformation scene.
They are building themselves into hopefully an unstoppable force, but it’s gonna hurt. A lot. The first needle wasn’t so bad … but sadly that was just penicillin.
St Kilda – Ghostbusters 2. Beginning.
At the end of the last movie these plucky band of misfits were heroes, destined for greatness. Now inexplicably they’re back to being kinda irrelevant and it’s not fun to watch.
Collingwood – Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World. The Raptors in the long grass.
The Premiership window is slammed shut, the president is gone, the salary cap is full to bursting and we haven’t even mentioned ladder positions! More and more problems are heading towards the Magpies as they walk into the unknown, and the rest of us are grabbing the popcorn and cheering on the velociraptors!
Melbourne – Die Hard. McClane reveals himself.
The Demons were a bunch of white-collar partying types with no hope when the rest of the league took them hostage. But then a bald man who won’t give up [Nathan Jones as Bruce Willis] came along and the rest of the league are now afraid. “Yippee Kysaiah Motherf…..”
West Coast – Avengers Endgame. Final battle.
The big birds from the west seemingly had all the infinity stones this year, all they needed to do was snap their fingers and dominance would be theirs, but it’s not working.
North Melbourne – Saving Private Ryan. D-Day.
Young men are being sent to fight against much bigger weaponry and although they are brave, they are being mowed down wave after wave.
Brisbane – GoldenEye. Q gadgets scene.
This is how I assume Joe Daniher’s first day at the Lions went, with Chris Fagan showing him his new teammates and there being a few mishaps. I admit this is sort of a long bow but it’s one of my favourite scenes of all time so just enjoy it.
Carlton – The Empire Strikes Back. Millennium Falcon escaping Hoth.
It was hairy for a while there, but we got through the worst … so now we just make the jump to lightspeed … which isn’t working. We’re in trouble. Head for the asteroid field.
Essendon – Snakes on a Plane. Toilet scene.
The plane has experienced severe turbulence and a horror run, surely things can’t get any worse right? We beat Collingwood! Maybe I could feel some optimism? No. For Essendon fans, things can always get so much worse.
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Fremantle – Attack of the Clones. Yoda lightsabre duel.
Overall it’s not great to watch, but occasionally a 900-year-old character [David Mundy] takes on all the bad guys with his awesome moves and it’s almost worth the grind!
Geelong – Red. ‘Old man my ass’.
They have a collective age of a billion. They should be over the hill. But to quote Kevin Lacz from American Sniper: “Beware of an old man in a profession where it’s normal to die young.”
GWS – Jurassic World. Final Battle.
My friend Titus O’Reily once wrote that GWS are the Indominus Rex of footy clubs, they’re not an organic creature but a hybrid monster created by an evil corporation. I of course disagreed as I have nothing but love for my arch enemies, esteemed opponents. It seems though the rest of the dinosaurs are finally smelling weakness and are teaming up to take down the great killer.
Hawthorn – The Producers. ‘We Can Do it!’
Okay lads, this year we tank and get as high a draft pick as possible!! It’ll be easy. Then they defeat Adelaide and Essendon and ask, “Where did we go right?”
Sydney – Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Black Knight.
They started the fight well, they have fierce hunger and determination. However, they don’t have as many limbs as expected. They will fight but by season’s end they will just be threatening to bite legs off.
Bulldogs – Cool Runnings. Final Race.
Everything is going well. The world is behind us, we’re finally full of pride and power. “Feel the rhythm, feel the ride.” Was Friday night the sound of a bolt coming loose?
Richmond – The Hangover Part 4.
I know this film doesn’t exist. But when Richmond got drunk and forgot that they were terrible in 2017, like the first Hangover film, it was a novelty experience [but a touch overrated by the media]. Then it got tedious real fast with the next two instalments. If it happens again, we will all be very bored and disappointed.
Port Adelaide – Transformers. Hiding scene.
The Alberton crew really want to fly under the radar before finals, not be a target, then really hit them hard come September. Problem is, it’s very hard to fly under the radar when you’re a giant robotic machine capable of mass destruction. You’re gonna get found out.
Gold Coast – Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Any scene without Jessica Rabbit.
Let’s face it, no matter how brilliant it is to watch this semi-artificial club, as soon as a certain mind-blowing red head makes their appearance that’s all we want to see. So let us know when Rowell comes back.
You can catch Danny McGinlay at the Sydney Comedy Festival and also listen to his podcasts here and here.
